What I've Become
by My name is who
Summary: He never meaned for it to turn out this way. One-shot. Songfic. Idk if it's good or not. You'll have to figure that one out for yourself...but plz PLZ give it a try...


This is the first time I've ever written a song fic. Don't judge. If you don't like it ,then do the easy thing. ..Arrow. The song is "Hurt" by nine inch nails n Johnny cash covered it. I like the Johnny Cash version best tho.

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"I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel"

I felt Soda grab my hand ,murmuring that I'd be okay. I know I won't be. It's a rare feeling when you know you're gonna die. Maybe it's different for everyone. I don't know. But the way I feel , I feel like I'm giving up. I think it's time I give up. I should have been gone a long time ago. But I held on. I held on many times. My life wasn't meant to go on this long. My life was rough. I lost my strength to live.

"I focus on the pain,  
the only thing that's real"

I hear the nurse come in. They think I don't hear what they're saying. The coma that the cancer put me in just doesn't help the pain. They think I should be in a sleep state. That I shouldn't be able to feel or hear anything. The pain is unbearable. I remember ,before I went into this coma ,I was angry because the medication made me numb. I would pinch myself to feel something ,anything. Now I would give anything for the numbness to come again.

The nurse decides it's time to change the I.V.

"The needle tears a hole  
the old familiar sting  
try to kill it all away  
but I remember everything"

I remember all the worries I put Darry through. All he and Soda had did ,just to make sure I had food and clothes. They did everything for the money for truck repairs ,just to make sure I had good track shoes. I didn't appreciate it at all then. I still didn't ,til I got into this stupid coma. Eight years of smoking did this to me. Darry told me to quit. I should've listened. I should've listened to everything he ever told me. But I became a person I hate. A person who didn't deserve to live.

"What have I become?  
My sweetest friend"

Johnny should have been the one to live. He would have been a better person than the one I became. I still remember the night he told me he thought about killing himself. Johnny was too sweet ,too innocent. Despite everything he saw ,he stayed innocent. In a way ,maybe it's good that he died. He died innocent and sweet. I refused to acknowledge this when I was younger ,but as I lay here ,I know where ever he is now ,he isn't changed. It's good this way.

"Everyone I know  
goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt"

Steve died in the War. Two- Bit now has a wife and daughter and lives in Calfornia. He met her on the beach. She's blonde ,he's the same old Two-Bit. He ran off to Cali when he found out how sick I was. He couldn't take it ,not after Steve.

I hear Darry trying to calm Soda down. Poor Soda. He needs someone to mother. To make him feel needed. God knows I needed him. I think Darry will be fine he stops mourning. He always was a survivor. He always will be. He'll help Soda. He'll help him through this pain.

"I wear this crown of thorns,  
Upon my liar's chair"

I remember how much I used to lie to them ,Soda and Darry. Mainly Darry ,Soda always seemed to know when I lied. I never told them what happened that week with Johnny. They didn't need to hear my pain. It would only hurt everything I did or said ,I loved them more than life itself.

"Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
Beneath the stains of time  
the feelings disappears  
You are someone else  
I am still right here"

People say death is scary. They say it's painful. It's not once you get close enough to the end. I can feel the pain fading. Slowly but it's going.

I think of Soda and Darry's faces. I try to memorize every curve ,every feature there is. The way Soda smiles his goofy smile ,the way Darry's mouth twitches when he wants to be angry but it isn't quite possible. I try to remember the way Soda always knows how to cheer me up. The way Darry always knows when I need help ,how he'll do anything to help me. I'm really going to miss them.

"If I could start again  
a million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way..."

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They say death is exciting ,scary. It's not ,it's peacful. As I slowly fall asleep for the last time ,I hear the beeping of the machines , Soda's sobbing ,Darry trying to hold back tears.

Slowly I hear Johnny and Dally. Steve's there ,too. They're calling me. I'm ready now. I'm ready to finally have peace...


End file.
